“It is not joy that makes us grateful, it is gratitude that makes us joyful.”
~ Brené Brown
In an episode of her her Unlocking Us podcast this summer, Brené Brown dropped this truth bomb. I gasped when I heard it and scribbled it on a scrap of paper.
I read the words again. That can’t be right, can it? People who are joyful are grateful because of all the joy juice they are swimming in, right? Not the other way around. Right?
Dr. Brown and her sisters did a series of episodes celebrating the 10th anniversary of her book The Gifts of Imperfection, and while I loved all the topics and conversations, it was this one quote that made me pick up her book again.
I have a contentious relationship with perfectionism. As soon as I think I’m all chill and letting the proverbial chips fall where they may, I find myself scrambling around to tuck in the corners, tidy everything into precious packages, pick up all those chips and stack them into piles.
Some part of me thinks getting it perfect will protect me. But it doesn’t. It just feels terrible.
Whether you have an ongoing wrassle with perfectionism like I do or not, this book is well worth reading. It’s practical (especially her Whole-Hearted Inventory) and helpful either for untangling your own perfectionist snares or for understanding the painful perfectionist tendencies of someone you love. And like all of Brené Brown’s work, it is based solidly in research.
When it came to the whole what-comes-first-the-joy-or-the-gratitude question, this is what she said about the thousands of interviews she did with whole-hearted people:
Without exception, every person I interviewed who described living a joyful life or who described themselves as joyful, actively practiced gratitude and attributed their joyfulness to their gratitude practice. Both joy and gratitude were described as spiritual practices that were bound to a belief in human interconnectedness and a power greater than us. People were quick to point out the differences between happiness and joy as the difference between a human emotion that’s connected to circumstances and a spiritual way of engaging with the world that’s connected to practicing gratitude.
It was this research that inspired me to create The Daily Wow journal, so I could cultivate (and share with others) an active gratitude practice. Every night before bed, I take 3 minutes to remember a wow, a highlight, a delight and a gratitude from the day. What I notice is that the practice changes how I see the world: I’m always looking for what will go in my journal that night and I see things I would have otherwise missed.
It’s like I’ve got gratitude goggles on.
And those goggles also reveal human interconnectedness and the ever-present power of something greater. It is, as the participants said, a whole-hearted way of engaging with the world.
So give yourself the gift of reading The Gifts, taking the Whole-Hearted Inventory , and doing an active gratitude practice.
Want more joy in your days? Practice gratitude like you mean it.