Graduation season is bittersweet; full of simultaneous feelings of sadness and joy. Last week, my beloved niece Olivia graduated from James Madison University. Seeing her in her glorious purple gown, her auntie was a puddle of tears. Memories rushed in of when she was born and my mom gave her a little pink ruffled onesie, when she could swing across the monkey bars without help, when she swam her first meet, when she went to prom.
After breathing through all the feels, I remembered when I graduated from college 37 years ago. It was an intense time for me: I was freaked out about being on my own. As I watched precious Olivia walk the JMU stage last weekend, I wondered: What did I wish someone had told me in May of 1986?
If I was to go back to myself on the quad at Bates College, this is what I would have told twenty-one year old me (and what I shared with already-wise Olivia).
10 Things I Wish I’d Known When I Graduated College
1. Plan B (and C and D etc.) Are Part of Life. There are lots of ways of living a life. Humaning does not just look like what you see others doing. Start where you are and give it all you have ... and don’t be surprised or afraid if things change (like they do). Pivoting, detouring or U-turning are not signs of failure ~ they can be wise responses to experience, opportunity and circumstance.
2. Habits Matter. James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, writes that it is the small, consistent habits that make the biggest impact on who we are and the life that we lead. Instead of focusing on big dramatic actions, make tiny choices over and over that move you in the direction you want to go. Try to push a boulder and you’ll hurt your back. Lift one brick at a time and you can build a cathedral.
3. Sex Usually Doesn’t Look Like It Does In The Movies. Especially if you’re in a long-term relationship. The work of Emily Nagoski (Come As You Are book and podcast) and others educate about how the body and brain work, how pleasure happens and what is normal (spoiler: you are normal). You deserve pleasure and if it feels good to you and it’s not hurting anybody, that is a normal sex life.
4. Make Genuine Apologies. If you do something that hurts someone, apologize cleanly for your part in the situation without any expectation for forgiveness. Three important notes: (1) a genuine apology is never followed by the word “but…” (2) “I’m sorry you feel that way” is not an apology and (3) when someone apologizes to you, all you have to say is, “thank you.”
5. Sleep Is Huge. Sleep is essential for brain, body and emotional health. While we don’t all need 8 hours, we do need full cycles of sleep to thrive. A lack of sleep impacts the body like drinking a bunch of alcohol, so don’t think you can do everything (like driving and taking a test) as well if you haven’t slept. If you can’t sleep, only stay awake in bed for 30 minutes: get up and stretch, read, do something off-screen that is relaxing for 30 minutes then go back to bed. Repeat as needed. If you’re not sleeping well, do whatever you can to support your sleep health.
6. Learn How To Regulate Yourself. We all get rattled and upset in big and small ways. Knowing how to settle your nervous system when you get jangled is a skill I wish I’d learned long ago. There are lots of ways to do it – breathe long exhales, shake your body, put your feet in the grass, squeeze your own shoulders, etc. Find what works for you so when you need to settle, you can.
7. The Greatest Gift You Can Give is Your Attention. There is no greater thing you can offer than your full and focused attention. Period. Distractions are everywhere these days which makes your presence with others an even more powerful gift. Similarly, empathy (as opposed to sympathy) is an essential nutrient for all humans. The first step to offering empathy is offering your full attention. P.S. Empathy never, ever starts with the words “at least.”
8. Rest Is Also Huge … And It’s Different Than Sleep. Our bodies and brains need breaks. It’s easy to get sucked into grind and hustle culture (that’s rooted in patriarchy and white supremacy ~ see Rest As Resistance by Trisha Hersey) and focus only on productivity. What can you do during the day to rest from working and producing? Take a walk. Daydream. Listen to birds. Lie down on the floor. Whatever rest is for you, it’s a radical, powerful act.
9. When In Doubt, Lead with Curiosity. The number of things you won’t understand in this world is enormous. When faced with one of these innumerable things, instead of getting defensive or insecure, do your best to get curious. “Tell me more about that” is something you really can’t say enough.
10. Clear Is Kind. Before speaking or acting, ask yourself if it is kind. Making the kindest choice you can is one of the most powerful things you can do. And as Brené Brown says, “Clear is kind.” Making and holding boundaries, asking for what you want and need, saying what is and is not OK is kind. It supports and builds trust in relationships including the one with yourself.
The full list of all the things I wish I’d known when I graduated is much longer than these ten. I’d love to know what you wish you could go back and tell your younger self. Please leave any wisdom in the comments below!
Olivia, Auntie & Mom — all wearing JMU purple. May 20 2023.
Congratulations, my sweet Olivia Jane and everybody graduating from anything. Go make a beautiful next act.