When sex educator and researcher, Emily Nagoski gives a talk or an interview or a workshop the number one question people ask is, “Am I normal?”
“Am I normal?”
I know the fear under the question. I’ve asked it about myself. It’s the fear of being a weirdo, of being on the outside, of being broken, of being the ONLY ONE who feels this way/ looks this way/ wants this thing / does not want that thing.
When folks ask this question, Emily Nagoski always answers “unless you’re in pain, you’re normal.” I appreciate her clarity since we all need reassurance that we’re OK and that we belong.
Even so, I’ve started to wonder, what IS normal, anyway? It seems to me that “normal” is like “perfect.” It’s not actually a thing. It’s an illusion of being the “right” (and only acceptable) way to be.
In his Psychology Today article, Why Normal Is a Myth, Dr. Agustín Fuentes reminds us that “normal” isn’t “right.” Normal is actually just what’s in the middle of a sample. He writes,
“...in tackling the myth of normal, I am talking about our overemphasis on constraining the range of human variation into too narrow a band—mistaking “average” for a value statement, and forgetting that it is merely a statistical description."
In the course of my nascent anti-racism and social justice education, I keep discovering that black and white standards are part of the scheme of the patriarchy and white supremacy. Binaries of “either you’re with us or you’re against us,” and “these people are good/right/valued and those aren’t,” set up hierarchies of worth. Those hierarchies exclude people who don’t fall into their prescribed norms.
Dr. Fuentes continues,
“It is the very human ability to range far and wide in body and mind that has enabled us to do so well as a species, and the myth of normal cuts that range down to a minimal ‘norm.’ Again, I am not arguing that anything goes—rather, that by continuously imagining that there is a direct connection between the statistical norm and the ‘right’ way to be, we are making the lives of many people, across the range of variation for any given trait more difficult, and denying them a seat at the table.”
The question once again (as it was in my recent Tofu Neck post) is who benefits from this narrative of “normal” being “right”? Who benefits from othering, shaming and disenfranchising people who are outside cultural norms?
Who else? Already-powerful rich, white, straight, cis-gendered men. The ones who want things in our culture to stay JUST as they are.
If you are someone who is interested in inclusivity, diversity and the equitable distribution of power and opportunity, get curious about “normal.” When you feel afraid of not being normal, ask who benefits from you being afraid? Get curious when you see someone shamed for being “abnormal.”
Instead, celebrate the full range of humanness that IS our species. It’s that diverse range that’s gotten us this far and is the only thing that will allow us to survive and thrive.