Hurt is hurt, and every time we honor our own struggle and the struggles of others by responding with empathy and compassion, the healing that results affects all of us. ~ Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart
There were times – many many times – in the process of healing my broken fifth metatarsal that I struggled. Like, twisted-up-in-packing-tape kind of struggle: frustrated, confined, angry at everything and everyone.
Struggle often feels like heaviness in my heart and tightness in my belly, a narrowness of vision and a shallowness of breath. Not long after recognizing that yes, I’m suffering and struggling right now, however, my mind veers off to those whose situation is much worse than mine.
The person with the more traumatic, long-standing injury.
The person with a life-threatening illness.
The one who lost a partner or whose nation was at war.
I roll my eyes at myself. Tell myself to get over it. Don’t be such a baby wah-wah.
Dr. Brené Brown calls this “comparative suffering” and she is not a fan.
In his wonderful new TED Talk, Ten Percent Happier author and podcaster Dan Harris suggests that by being kinder and more loving to ourselves, we are more able to offer that same kindness to others. My own experience concurs that when I am being tough and harsh with myself, when I bully myself into positivity, that spills over onto anyone around me. Be gentler with me, and I find myself extending that same gentleness to everyone.
The same is true for when I’m struggling. Instead of feeling my own pain and suffering, if I automatically compare myself with others (and chastise myself for being a whiny pants), I don’t build empathy for myself...or for anyone else.
So the first good reason to feel your own suffering is to build empathy for yourself and anyone else who is suffering (which is EVERYBODY).
What’s more, though, is that if we talk ourselves out of our pain, we never actually feel it. Which is something that sounds like a good idea but really isn’t.
As Brené Brown points out, “hurt is hurt,” pain is pain. If I don’t feel my own, it will go underground, lodge itself in me only to squirt out as rage or depression or a cross word. Instead, I can choose to allow myself to feel and identify whatever hurt I’m experiencing, no matter how small in comparison. If I choose to feel it, I am both processing and healing myself, and I’m building my empathy muscle so I can be fully with anyone in my sphere of connection.
Everybody struggles in one way or another. Everybody. Whatever hurt is hurting you, feel it and honor it. Resist the habit of comparison and shutting yourself down. When you open to your own tender, painful places, you make space not just for you but for everyone.