Even before we are born we are in relationship. Humans are social creatures that are utterly dependent on each other (no matter what toxic American hyper-individualism says). Given how interconnected we are, it’s shocking how little we are taught about how relationships really work.
A couple of months ago, my husband and I read an article by relationship coach Matthew Fray about his wife divorcing him for leaving dirty glasses by the sink. Despite its click-bait-y title, it is a fascinating look at how the little things we do (or don’t do) every day have more impact on relationships than we might imagine. (The piece was based on an earlier one that dives more into the man’s point of view and was fascinating, too. In April, I wrote a blog about it, too.)
Reading it spurred dozens of conversations – between the two of us and with other couples and wise people we know. Those conversations got me paying closer attention to my little habits that I know irk my beloved...and the small things that he does that can twist my panties.
One of those things is leaving the sponge in the sink.
Shocking, right? I know. Egregious.
But what was really interesting to me was that sometimes when I found the soggy sponge in the sink, I would feel a buzzing tight annoyance in my chest and head. Other times, I breathed easy as I squeezed out the errant sponge and put it away.
After noticing and pondering all this I ask my intelligent and embodied friend, Stephen, what he thinks about it.
“What’s the difference between the days when it doesn’t bother me at all and the days when I’m ready to throw the sponge (and the man), out the window?” I ask him.
He thinks for a minute and says, “For me, it’s whether I have space in myself or not. I can process whatever is happening if I have space in me. If I don’t have space in myself, there is no room for anything to move.”
His description resonated right at my core. As a somatic teacher, I know that breath and space inside the body allows for more varied and comfortable physical movement. Stephen’s description suggests that similarly, space makes that mobility and skill available emotionally and relationally, too.
If I’m all squeezed and tight inside, not only am I unlikely to be able to balance, kick and reach in an expansive way, I’m not likely to be able to navigate my marriage or any relationship skillfully, either.
Now when I find the sink heavy with sponge and that tight buzz bubbles up, I ask, “Do I have space in myself to be with this?” And if not, how can I make that space?
Here are three ways I love to make space in myself
Breathe. Long slow deep breaths in and out through the nose. Or in through the nose and out through pursed lips like blowing out a candle. Three breaths is often enough to make the difference.
Look far away. Either step outside or looking out a window at whatever you can see as far away as possible. Readjusting perspective beyond the narrowness of annoyance allows a more expansive view literally and figuratively.
Move. Shake and bounce! Right where you are or pop into a nearby restroomin a pinch. Any kind of whole body movement makes space but these two are my favorites. They can be done practically anywhere and just a few seconds can do the trick.
There are countless ways to create space inside to process. It’s a worthwhile experiment to see what works best in your own body and mind. For me, the biggest part is remembering to remember to make space before speaking or acting. Out of love for relationship and connection, whenever faced with an upset — sponge or otherwise — I do my best to make space in me to process.