Love lives in the boundaries. ~ Yael Shy
My husband, Frank, is an insatiable reader about...well...everything. In any given week in addition to all the news stuff, he could be reading about migratory patterns of hummingbirds, a Major League no-hitter, the environmental impacts of lawn care and a vegan chopped salad recipe. And let me tell you, with all this rolling around in his mind, conversations with Frank are fascinating, enlightening and surprising. I adore hearing all about it.
But not while I’m working.
Since he kind-of retired, I’ve asked Frank not to pop into my office to talk while I’m writing and making playlists. I want to hear all about the science of tectonic plate shifts and the nutritional value of maca root. Only just not then.
Spending time with him is one of the best parts of my life: our meals and walks together are the highlights of my days. But I am as distractable as a kitten. When I want to get a post written or the right music mix for tomorrow’s class, he is my ping pong ball, feather-on-a-stick and laser pointer all in one.
He is respectful of my work and yet every once in a while, he forgets. When he wants to tell me about how alcohol affects the heart or an interview with Nicholas Cage, I feel torn about reminding him that I’m working. I love hearing everything he wants to tell me. And I want to write. I want to connect with him and I want the space to work. I want to be together and I want to be myself. I feel guilty holding the boundary.
In a workshop on boundaries, somatic expert Jane Clapp teaches that setting a boundary is just the first part of the process. The other part is holding that boundary and then managing our feelings around it.
Change is uncomfortable for most of us. Whenever we shift a role or pattern in a relationship, somebody’s apple cart is going to be upset at least a little. When feelings come up, it’s easy to let the boundary slide and let things drop back into the well-worn way they have been. The key is to recognize that boundary-making guilt is simply part of the process, not a sign that you have done something wrong.
In fact, far from wrong, setting and holding boundaries is an act of love. In her recent post Boundaries Are Love, Yael Shy writes about her boundary experiences in parenting:
This push and pull, between all-consuming love and an intense need to get away, is what it feels like to be a parent, in my experience. This coming together and springing apart -- this merging and individuation -- I think that is how love lives in the boundaries. … Of course, this is not just the case with parenting. This is the truth of all relationships. We find one another, we merge with one another, and then we pull back to find ourselves again, over and over.
The next time you courageously ask for what you need, you may find yourself in the push and pull of connection and separation. You might feel uncertain and guilty for shifting the familiar roles and patterns in the relationship. Especially when those roles and patterns are working just-fine-thank-you-very-much for the people around you. The practice is to recognize those feelings as part of the process of connection, individuation and building an even healthier relationship.
Now this post is done I’m looking forward to having lunch with Frank and hearing all about the latest polls of Independent voters, the ideal soil conditions for strawberries and the best hiking places in Maine.