The best way to truncate the power and freedom of people who are naturally inclined to strive, contribute, and grow is to vilify those inclinations. Take those who are driven to bridge the distance between reality and the ideal and convince them that they are broken and driving everybody crazy. Tell them they are “bossy,” “difficult,” and “strong-minded.” Tell them they need to recover from this fault of theirs and they will unplug themselves from their own power.
Katherine Morgan Schafler’s book The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control: A Path to Peace and Power looks at how our culture does this very thing to perfectionists – in particular, women perfectionists. She rejects the idea of a “recovering perfectionist.” Instead, her invitation is to embrace perfectionist tendencies, make them adaptive rather than maladaptive and see perfectionism as a gift.
“Perfectionists are bored by hedonism. Perfectionists love working. Perfectionists love a challenge. Perfectionists want to contribute, create, and grow. … Perfectionists never stop noticing the gulf between reality and the ideal, and they never stop longing to actively bridge the gap.” ~ Katherine Morgan Schafler
When I read that quote, I see myself. I have grappled with and berated myself for perfectionist tendencies for as long as I can remember. I’ve put much of my energy for decades into trying to control all the things – with varying degrees of success and regular bouts of burn out. The idea of letting go of control in favor of power, peace and freedom feels both terrifying and alluring.
As a therapist at Google, Katherine Morgan Schafler works with googles of people whose striving and desire for control morphs into maladaptive strategies that get in the way of their thriving and happiness. “Maladaptive perfectionists,” writes Morgan Schafler, “are perpetually on some version of a joy diet.”
Her clients reveal that perfectionism is not a monolith; she differentiates perfectionists into 5 different categories. This clarification helps me see that the underlying drive can be the same while the way we live it is different. The 5 types give me more compassion for myself and for differently-flavored perfectionists. (You can take the quiz here and see my snapshot of the 5 types below.)
For all types of perfectionists, Morgan Schafler’s eye is toward shifting maladaptive behaviors into adaptive ones. Perfectionism of all kinds is, at its root, a (often unconscious) protective strategy.
For me, I grew up with a lot of “evasive teasing” – people would make fun of me but when I was hurt they would dodge and say “I was only joking. Don’t be so sensitive.” To get approval and avoid criticism, I strove to be perfect. Which worked. Until it didn’t. Other perfectionists may have different stories but follow the thread back and we are all protecting ourselves from something.
Perfectionism starts as a form of protection. (Photo: Rebecca George Photography)
Morgan Schafler stresses that striving and wanting to contribute is not the problem. She writes:
WHY ARE YOU STRIVING? Is your motivation to bridge the gulf between an ideal and reality born from the desire to excel and grow (adaptive) or from the need to compensate for perceived inadequacies and avoid failure (maladaptive)? HOW ARE YOU STRIVING? Are you hurting yourself of other in the process (maladaptive)? Or are you striving in a way that feels good for you (adaptive)?
When I look at my own perfectionism, I can feel the difference when I want to control a situation and when I want to approach it with power. As Morgan Schafler says,
Control encourages restriction; power encourages freedom. Control is petty; power is generous. Control micromanages; power inspires. Control is manipulative; power influences.
Seeing the perfectionist’s striving as a strength, as an asset, as a gift is profound. Claiming my perfectionism positively changes how I relate to my love of productivity and contribution. I suspect it will be a life-long project to shift my maladaptations into healthier, happier ways of being, but that shift now feels not like recovery but like discovery.
The choices you make moving forward belong only to you. Will you choose self-punishment or self-compassion? Absence or presence? Performance or freedom? Isolation or support? Resentment or forgiveness? Suspicion or trust? Immediate gratification or pleasure? Planning joy or joy now? Will you choose control or power? ~ Katherine Morgan Schafler
Snapshot of the 5 Types of Perfectionists
1. Intense perfectionist
Striving for success at all costs including relationships with colleagues, friends and family.
2. Classic perfectionist
Highly organized and buttoned-up, who will do what they say they will often rigidly.
3. Parisian perfectionist
People pleasers to the max who want to be seen as easygoing and liked by everyone.
4. Procrastinator perfectionist
Always waiting for the right time and perfect conditions before acting which can lead to hesitancy and indecisiveness.
5. Messy perfectionist
Quick to start, slow to finish with lots of enthusiasm at the front end and often less follow-through.
[I’m a Classic. And you?]