“Sweet mother of mystery, Susan! What was THAT?”
“Great googly moogly, Susan. That was ugly.”
“Mother FATHER, Susan! You can do better than that!”
“Ugghhhhh! SUSAN!”
On the pickleball court, I have lots of commentary on my wayward shots. I do my best not to swear but even when I’m not actually using profanity, the expletive sentiment is there. Lots of judgment and criticism and attention to all the ways I mess up.
But here’s what I’m finding: outbursts and yelling at myself (even in my head) doesn’t help me. On the contrary, it’s like getting yelled at by a coach or a parent. It just upsets me and makes me feel (and play) worse.
Just like any hypercritical words or thoughts I direct at myself, they are what I call “pre-emptive strikes.” If I acknowledge my mistakes vociferously first, no one else can beat me to it. It’s a protective measure that says you can’t be meaner to me than I already am to myself. And it’s a measure that is admittedly ass-backwards.
Hyper self criticism is an old, maladaptive behavior I started as a kid (obviously, given that it carries with it the logic of a 7-year-old). In my mind, it makes sense but really, it doesn’t.
In my mind’s defense, for years I thought self-criticism was cathartic: a way of processing and expelling frustration and anger rather than keeping it bottled up inside. Catharsis theory suggests that release of anger and other strong emotions (sometimes called "venting") is a way of letting those emotions go. Freud was a proponent of the catharsis theory but with all due respect to Sigmund, that is not my internal experience.
When I yell at myself on the court or curse drivers on the highway or politicians on the radio, it doesn’t dispel my anger; it revs it up. Punching a pillow (or hitting a pickleball as hard as I can) might seem like it would be helpful for letting go of my anger but it actually makes it worse. It throws gas on the fire of frustration.
And it’s not just me. Research shows again and again that catharsis is a myth. In a recent Ohio State University meta-analysis of more than 150 studies researchers “found that what really works to reduce anger is lowering physiological arousal -- in other words, turning down the heat.”
"I think it's really important to bust the myth that if you're angry you should blow off steam -- get it off your chest," said senior author Brad Bushman, professor of communication at The Ohio State University. "Venting anger might sound like a good idea, but there's not a shred of scientific evidence to support catharsis theory.”
In my pickleball experience, when I “vent” my frustrations, I tend to slide down a slope into both feeling worse emotionally and playing worse, too. Instead, when I pause, breathe, shake or bounce my body and come back to the now of the next shot, I play better – and I feel better.
The Ohio State meta-analysis concurs that “techniques often used to address stress -- deep breathing, mindfulness, meditation, yoga or even counting to 10 -- have been shown to be more effective at decreasing anger and aggression.” I’m not doing any Down Dogs on the pickleball court or stopping to sit in meditation, but I am doing my best to be mindful of my body, the sun on my skin, as I take a deep breath.
I recognize that anger can become a habit and that moving to a more mindful approach to big emotions will take time. I’m likely to continue to use my creative cuss words sometimes but my intention is to lower arousal, not fire it up.
And as we move deeper into the 2024 election season, I am taking both my experience on the court and the research with me. When I feel the heat of anger, fear and frustration, let myself acknowledge it and then pause, breathe and let it simmer down on its own...before I rear-end the Chevy with those bumper stickers.