BRAVING to Trust

Like swallowing a stone, my stomach drops and collapses. A wash of heat burns up the front of me.

A loss of trust is sickening. Whether I have broken a trust with another, someone has broken one with me, or I have broken trust with myself, the sensation is the same — and it is wretched.

In the past few years, as I re-imagine my work in movement education, rethink my relationship with diet, fitness and wellness cultures, and reexamine my implicit biases and prejudices, I understand that I have caused harm and I have been harmed. Trusts have been and continue to be broken. Realizing this is never easy but it is an essential step to rebuilding and repairing.

As I wrote about not long ago, encouraging people to trust themselves and their bodies is at the core of my work. Our culture lures us at every turn to look outside ourselves for how to do everything from building our careers to nurturing our relationships, from breaking habits to deciding what to eat. And while experts often have wise insights to share, if we don’t fully trust those experts (or if we give them unearned trust) and if we don’t fully trust ourselves, we will eventually feel the sting.

Brené Brown’s latest book, Atlas of the Heart is a deep dive into eighty-seven of the emotions and experiences that define what it means to be human. In both the book and the audio book (which is beautifully produced and is full of additional examples and stories), Dr. Brown walks us through a framework for cultivating meaningful connection so we can understand ourselves and communicate with others with clarity.

Dr. Brown points out that trust is not an emotion but rather an essential underpinning for core emotions like love and belonging. Her research shows that in order to build strong, resilient relationships, it is crucial to build and maintain trust.

As a scaffolding of support for trust building, her team created a metric for aligning with and building trust that uses the acronym BRAVING. When she consults with organizations, this is the tool that is most often adopted and it is a format that is applicable not just to companies, but to all relationships – including the one with ourselves.

B R A V I N G to Trust

B – Boundaries

Set them and honor them.

Ask: Was I clear about what’s OK and what’s not OK? Did I respect the others’ boundaries and my own?

R – Reliability

Do what you say you’ll do.

Ask: Was I reliable? Did I follow my word?

A – Accountability

Own your mistakes, apologize and make amends.

Ask: Did I hold myself and others accountable? Did I do the work of repair when needed?

V – Vault

Share only what is yours to share.

Ask: Did I respect the vault and share appropriately?

I – Integrity

Choose courage over comfort; what’s right over what’s fun, fast or easy. Practice your values; don’t just profess them.

Ask: Did I act with integrity with myself and others?

N – Non-Judgment

I can ask for what I need and you can ask for what you need.

Ask: Did I ask for what I needed? Did I allow others to ask for what they need? Was I nonjudgmental about needing help and other needing help?

G – Generosity

Extend a generous interpretation as possible; give benefit of the doubt, especially to those with the least power in the situation.

Ask: Have I been generous to myself and to others?

Look through these 7 guidelines and pick a couple to focus on in your relationships – especially the one with yourself.

Broken trust has painful and damaging implications for ourselves, our people and our communities — and none of us is likely to escape it. The brave choice of choosing to build and maintain trust may be uncomfortable at times. But BRAVING to trust creates a strong foundation that can withstand relationship changes and repair that stone-sinking feeling of broken trust.

Trust & The Opposite of Love

If you truly trusted yourself, what would you do? ~ Tiffany Han

In the summer of 2020, I was burned out and sputtering. I led online classes most every day – something I’d started in March because we’d be on lockdown for — what? — maybe a few weeks? a month?

As the pandemic stretched on, I was at a loss about how to proceed. It was clear we all needed movement and connection, but I was stretched to the limit offering what I could. Months in, I was swamped and sinking and I didn’t know what to let go of.

In those days, weeks and months, I learned new technology and new music, I made a whole slew of offerings, and I felt somehow responsible for helping my community through a deeply difficult time. I walked around my neighborhood listening to playlists while my mind ran Eddie Murphy’s line from (the exceedingly silly) movie Bowfinger:

keepittogetherkeepittogetherkeepittogetherkeepittogetherkeepittogether

At some point that summer, I came across Tiffany Han’s podcast that focused on reimagining life outside the paradigm of hustle culture and burn out. I listened like it was a lifeline. She was gracious and responsive when I sent her distressed little Instagram DMs (Hi! I’m Susan. I love your podcast. Help me. I’m drowning.).

One sweltering afternoon as I walked and listened, Tiffany posed this question:

If you truly trusted yourself, what would you do?

I stopped walking. I think I said, “Whoa.” Or maybe I just swallowed hard. What would I do if I trusted myself?

I had no idea.

In that moment, I saw that instead of trusting, I was trying to control. I wanted to control everything: my body, my work, my relationships, lockdown, the well-being of my community. Everything.

When challenges (both big and small) arise, I get a little tight place in my solar plexus, this scrambly anxious swirl in my head. Things are not going to be ok; people are not going to be ok; I’m not going to be ok and I need to do something.

keepittogetherkeepittogetherkeepittogetherkeepittogetherkeepittogether

keepittogetherkeepittogetherkeepittogetherkeepittogetherkeepittogether (photo: Rebecca George Photography)

Author and podcaster Glennon Doyle observes:

“I am beginning to unlearn what I used to believe about control and love. Now I think that maybe control is not love. I think that control might actually be the opposite of love, because control leaves no room for trust—and maybe love without trust is not love at all. ...Maybe if love is not a little scary and out of our control, then it is not love at all.”

Control leaves no room for trust. No room for trusting other people, circumstances, the world...myself.

Recently, I contemplated Tiffany’s question: If I truly trusted myself, what would I do? I wrote in my journal (among other things), “leave more space for possibility and the unexpected.”

That morning, when I arrived for class, my playlist was gone from my device. The only thing I had was a playlist I was experimenting with. I took a deep breath and thought, “Trust yourself, sweetheart.”

Was it the best class I ever led? No. It was a little scary and out of my control and it was full of trust and love.